Discovering the Self: part 2

Where do I come from?

As discussed in the first of this series, so much of what we believe to believe, so much of what we think we think, so much of our reactivity that cause reactions (opposed to responses) comes from a place of subconscious desire to not be turfed out of ‘the village and left to be eaten by lions’.

As Aurora sang it, “just like the seed, everything wants to live”.

Family. Friends. Influences. These are the places from whence you come.

Let’s look at each.

Family: From the time you are born until you are about 6 or 7, your brain is wired to survive. But because you are completely and utterly defenceless, the only way this can happen is through the benevolence of others. The benevolence of your caregivers. The brain, acting completely of it’s own accord (that is to say, we are not aware of this happening – we are not deciding to do this), observes and absorbs attributes and attitudes that guarantee safety. And I mean, your brain will take on information as inane as your mother’s attitude toward cooking, to something as deeply required as your father’s way of connecting with others.

If I cry for an extended period, I am ignored. If I don’t cry, I am praised. What do I learn? Crying is not helpful or safe.

If I cry about this kind of thing, my caregiver gets angry, but crying about this other thing seems fine. What does this teach me about crying? That certain reasons for crying are safe and others are not.

My caregiver talks about the laziness of humans all the time, so by the time I am 7, I am always helping. This keeps me safe. It also gives me mystery illnesses when I am 35. This is rarely intended by the caregivers – they are just humans living their lives. Regardless, the lives they are living during this period will shape the little person exponentially.

Friends: the influence your friends have on you continues past the age of 7, obviously, as does the influence of parents. But at about the age of 6 or 7, you become aware. And you can make more conscious choices due to this awareness. We can solidify the beliefs and behaviours we have observed, thus solidifying our 'safety' unconsciously. And now the safety is very much required in the playground.

That girl likes salt and vinegar chips, so now I do too.

That one hates maths, so now I will start making negative comments about maths.

That one laughs at jokes made at others’ expenses – those jokes are now very funny to me.

Sometimes it can work the other way around too! I have a very clear memory from upper primary school where we were all sitting around and complaining about our parents. I was joining in as well, until suddenly one of my friends said that she couldn’t complain about her parents. She loved them very much and she knew how hard they worked for her. We were all stunned (or shamed?) into silence. We never complained about our parents again! It took one peer to suggest that we were ‘bad’ people for us to completely change out behaviour. Scarily, these peers are running on underdeveloped brains and have no idea of the influences they might be having, but we can do nothing about this - such is life.

Influences: What do I mean by influences? Well, I mean that the brain is amazing and paradoxically not so smart. Music lyrics create images that are then stored away as truth, book characters are as real as our playground peers and movie characters are even easier for our subconscious brain to seek safety from, as they come ready packaged as images – no effort required.

So where do you come from?

You come from a culture of people who have been influenced by one other.

You have been created through their need for safety upon their need for safety upon their need for safety.

Where do you come from?

You come from Anne of Green Gabels, Harry Potter, War and Peace … Saving Private Ryan.

And whilst this has an air or ‘bleakness’ around it (am I ever thinking for myself??), there are also some really great things that people feel safe about! It’s not bad that Little Sally is a helpful person. It’s great! It’s less great when Little Sally can’t work out when to stop being a helpful person, but the fact that she is helpful means she’s usually not an asshole. Winning!

The trick for us, once we have this information, is what to do with it?

And that’s coming up in part 3.

Now, why not jump over to the newsletter and have a go at a second step toward using art to begin some self-discovery?